I have struggled quite a bit for getting started with this one, feeling like having a storyteller block as I have been so emotional every time I thought about my next memories to share. I have been on my self growth journey for a while now, I would say, for the past decade or so, anytime I feel like I have finally understood what this is all about, I get hit yet by another obvious thing that I had been unconsciously struggling with. For the month of March 2025 it was about how much I have always hidden who I truly am, putting on a mask not to hurt anyone or make sure I would be digestible and accepted by people around me, yet here we are, I am alone like never before, mostly by fear of rejection and avoidance. Now that I think about it, my main trait of character is me feeling trapped in my head and being certain that no one can really get it or me trying so hard to second guess which version of me would be more likable by others and doing anything in my power to just become that person. I have decided, that enough is enough, I don’t want to be anything other than myself anymore, whoever that is but always who I am in the moment, while I work on becoming my dream version, the person I unapologetically aspire to be which is impossible to be/become if I keep showing up as the people pleaser and rejection fearing little human that i have been for the first 40 years of my life.

Anyways, I am not sure where we stopped in my previous entry and the following bits might not be coming right after that but it is now 1996, we have moved so many times at this point and it has been a few months since I started high school. After so many moves, my nervous system is totally shaken, I have no idea what life is, I am no professional but i think that I am dissociating most of the time from the present moments as too much is happening, at all times, I will try to recount the moments that changed me and that are not too blurry. My memories are all mixed up right now, I see different houses at the same time but then I cant remember from which home I was going to my new school from, I also cant remember where I did my last year of primary school, but that happened when I was still 10 years old, in 1995. I will say that I did at least part of my 6th/last year of primary in the private school where my mother had been hired as a teacher. This was a new school and it was in post genocide Rwanda that I think the calendars were not that accurate, i.e starting date of a school year etc. So I did the end of my primary school there, my brother and sister were there too, we were respectively 10, 8 and 3. This new school was a private school as mentioned right before, and certainly too expensive for us, even when my father was still there, but we were able to attend it as the teachers’ children were paying a discounted price, I think 50%,  of the school fees, this was still a lot to pay for 3 children in my opinion. 

So my last year of primary is as blurry as the first year of secondary school, I was still a “child” and to be honest, I felt invisible enough that I actually enjoyed it as I felt that I did not belong to that space where most of my classmates families had better financial situations than we did, although most of the Rwandans of that time were all still trying to figure things out and find the new groove of this new life of many of us coming back home after 2 generations living as refugees in the neighboring countries. As I am typing this, I realize that I have started this blog entry on a rather gloomy note, I took weeks off after the first 2 paragraphs and I am picking up this after I had left it to the first 2 paragraphs 45 days ago, I still feel this block but I have fortunately had an amazing mind shift as I am intentionally changing my brain to be more cooperative when it comes to stop bullying me into thinking that I am not worthy of anything good, not enough as i am and totally undeserving of a good life because I have had so many negative experiences so far. Therefore, I will try to search deep down in my mind and try to find/remember more positive things that might have altered my brain in my teenage years. If i cant, I will still see the gleamers from the traumatizing things and get the lesson that that taught me and remember to be grateful as things could always be worse and after all, here I am after all those things, standing on my own 2 feet, typing on a macbook that i paid with my own money, living in a beautiful apartment that i pay myself, driving a car that was my dream car 10 years ago and I kept thinking to myself that I was stuck because I came from a poor family? 

That being said, those formatives years did develop the complex I have had for as far as I can remember that being there; in any space that is, first in that school, then later in spaces for privileged people; did not  mean that I had the full right so it always made me feel uneasy and not at peace with my inner being as I knew the truth about my reason of  being there, that a favor was done for me or a discount was given, or someone felt pity and let me come there… with my mind shift, I can now see that this was a privilege that is not given to everyone. Being in spaces where you are not meant to be is a huge gift and a present of opportunity. I will do my best to never highlight this as a traumatizing moment/season of my life any longer. I now realize that what I thought was unluckiness or misfortune, when it came for me sitting at tables where I felt like not belonging, it was all stemming from my feeling of unworthiness and not feeling like I was ever enough, not that anyone anywhere did anything to make me feel that I did not belong, it was all in my head. Now that I can see clearer and feel better, I hear it as a scream from God and the universe telling me that where i started doesn’t matter, as long as i notice the opportunities i am being handed on a daily. Not only should i notice them, but also learn to exploit them. There was a period of my life that I was a living detector of opportunities and could attract miracles and perfect circumstances in a heartbeat. In the entries to come, I will share with you many instances where things kept showing up in my life as though I had a direct line to God and provider of the universe. 

I would like to close this piece on a very positive note, I am a blessed and protected girl, way more than the ones that are born in wealthy families, surrounded by loving caretakers and people that worry about their wellbeing. I can see it now, accessing the same spaces as the ones born into them, being almost dragged by force at tables I couldn’t even dream to be part of, it means that I am really special, guided and surrounded by a very competent team of angels. At this right moment, I am just thinking about the people I have worked for, the friends I have had and situations i have been put in and realize that I almost have no “dream” of meeting anyone or anywhere special I want to go as anywhere I have ever wanted to go, I have gone, anything I ever wanted to have I have had. This not to say that I have never lacked anything, but rather that my heart has never desired anything that in the end could not get. I think that I have never gone above and beyond with my material possessions, but in terms of adventures , I have had very interesting life experiences. I can say this with certainty: this is thanks to being in the same rooms over and over with those that were in my eyes so way up there that I decided that I could not possibly belong there as well. This was not true nor real, it was just all in my head, just a feeling, specifically that of inferiority, yes my early years made me develop a strong inferiority complex that I have never dared to mention or consider until today. The take away of this is that until you name or face your hidden emotions, they will keep disguising themselves into something else or stop you from being honest with your real fears or dreams. Last but not least, this reminded me that opportunities are like wishing for a new home and it comes in form of land and tools to build it, it is still a gifted house although not ready to move in and that’s absolutely ok!