The year 1995 is sort of a blur, more like a mix of too many events and so much happening that I felt like drowning in the events and people around me. The one constant I can recall is the feeling of loneliness despite life always buzzing around me at that time. That year did not have one instance that altered my brain but a general sense of dissatisfaction with my situation. This was not caused by those things per se, but rather the accumulation of me knowing that I was not wanted nor planned, therefore hard for me to be a priority. And whenever I looked around me, I have visual representations of my beliefs such as a younger child to be taken care of, a sick relative requiring attention more than I did, a disadvantaged cousin or uncle to take in on the family etc.

As mentioned in my very first blog post, I was told to be an “accident”, was told my mother had to leave me behind at 3 months old for some days to go away for a job,  once she came back, I did not want to feed off of her anymore. And it is at this right moment, while typing this that I understand my anger when she did the same with my sister years later… What is it with her leaving her daughters behind while still breastfeeding them? I understand that those were the choices that my mother had to make, I believe that she had no choice actually, but it still took its toll on my forming brain and it created and cemented all the negative beliefs of myself that i still hold on today, hopefully not for much longer. 

Back to the topic of the day, being so surrounded yet so lonely and trying to mark my territory as well as I could. What does that even mean to a 10-11 year old? So, we are still in the excitement and ecstasy of being back home, we are no longer the family of 5 I used to know, well we never lived in a household of 5 anyways but it gets worse, in my eyes. My parents have always showed up for other members of the larger family, therefore being back home made it even more possible to help more members all coming back and trying to figure out this new life. I had a faint dream of having my father’s attention back once we were settled home, I thought i had lost it amidst the arrival of my sister, the loss of his father, organizing the move  back home etc. I came to soon realize that the life I knew before I turned 7 would never come back, my father was a people person, a family person, it was his calling to bring people together and make sure every family relative was found and included, and this on both sides of the family. 

I have a couple examples to illustrate the above quite perfectly. Instance number one: my parents organized the biggest family reunion I have ever seen in my life, on the family compound when I was 10 or 11, the timeline is no longer clear for me. I am talking about 300+ people, counting only adults and teenagers, maybe more maybe less, but it felt like a 1000 to my younger self. The list of invitees was as follows: the grand parents i.e my father’s and mother’s parents, uncles and aunties (the ones still alive naturally) my uncles and aunties, all degrees included, their children and grand children. This was such a moment that made me feel invisible and totally insignificant to the eyes of my father, I have always felt that the attention of my mother was never mine, and now this exact event sealed the idea that my fathers’ was gone as well. He was getting more and more busy bringing to the group new found family members and as I more and more felt like shrinking. This was heightened when I discovered that my mother was expecting baby number 4, my youngest brother. I see myself  sitting on a bed and thinking, hum why always more, i felt a wave of depression hit me at 11 years old, understanding that I would never be enough and I still feel it as if it hit me yesterday. I felt so lost and even more insignificant. 

I had a few months left until my brother would be born and in the meantime something else shifted my 11 year old thinking… Besides organizing big family reunions, the second instance that proves that my parents were for the people is the fact that so many different family members were now living with us, some of them were the grand parents, sometimes an uncle, other times an older cousin… This was some sort of business as usual until a cousin , very close in age to mine and a girl came living with us, i did not understand why as she was not an orphan, she was a second degree cousin, wondered why she was not living with her direct uncles and aunties families at that point. I lost the status of the unique pre-teen girl of the household, felt threatened and was sent into a spiral similar to that of when my sister was born. I stopped wondering why my parents kept bringing new additions to the family and became obsessed by this one cousin. I was studying with scrutiny her every move just to make sure she wouldn’t be anything better than I already was, this would be the perfect definition of keep your friends close and your enemies closer, poor girl did not ask to be there and there i was envying and secretly hating her guts. 

When I think about myself during those times, I try to persuade myself that I couldnt have been so mean and intentionally having negative thoughts towards a family member at 11, but then I remember this one thing that proves that I was that bad indeed. Towards the end of 1994, my aunty came home from abroad and brought suitcases of clothes for my age/size, therefore my cousin’s age as well. Those clothes were to be shared between her and I, I felt that it was unfair, it was my mother’s sister after all, not hers, MINE! Why do I say that I was aware of my ill thoughts at that time? I knew that my cousin dressed more modestly compared to me, but clothes from Europe are generally more revealing than acceptable to modestly dressed girls in Africa. I was happy about that, that the skirts and dresses were too short for her, that the tops were too tight for her, etc. I have been haunted my whole life by a couple of shorts from the whole pile, those 2 jeans shorts, that i kept for myself. I truly didnt want to share clothes brought my aunt with my cousin, I was already sharing my home, my parents, my houseworkers, my food and now that? I was not going to let it happen. 

How did I manage to do that? Well, I knew which shorts would not work for her, the shorter one of course so I set my mind on the longer one. I saw her try them on, I immediately convinced myself that they looked better on me, which made my “little evil” plan easier to execute, then proceeded to try them on myself and confirm that it was my first choice and they were given to me, I knew very well that the second pair of shorts would not be her choice because too short, so they were mine as well. I might have carried the burden of keeping all those clothes for myself for so many years, but it was the only moment i felt like I had something to myself, after that I think I was bought new clothes by my mother one single time, but lets not diverge. 

Although I have now forgiven myself for being so selfish with my cousin, I understand that I was just a child and couldn’t express my emotional needs to my parents, I had to find ways of representing myself and standing up for myself even though it felt like I was cheating, i did carry this shame for a very long time, I often felt uncomfortable in the presence of said cousin since then,  I would be curious to know if she remembers, anything of that era, if she could see through my game and tactics, etc. 

What I get from these feelings is that from that point on, I realized that if I needed something,  I had to do what it took in order to survive, to get anything out of life, I had to do what needed to be done, as everyone else was busy doing whatever they were doing which did not include taking care of me nor my needs. I kept feeling unseen and insignificant as days, weeks and months went by, which created the version Bella 2.0 before I could turn 12, I was never the most innocent of children but I almost felt childhood leave my body physically and make space for this version which was about business, brilliant at dissociating, excelling in moments of struggle, can survive anything because she is a fighter, stronger than her age and deep in her shell. It has been a safe place since then, where I got to survive anything thrown at me by life from that point on, but it is a lonely and dark place. I want to escape it by sharing with the world my experience.

Stay close to your children, talk to your teenagers even if they seem scary to you, be there for your friends and loved ones, I am certain someone is hiding their pain and struggles.

With love, Bella